Announcer:  Previously on The Facts of Life-- er, the Financial Loft...

                              Man: Hey, baby.  You.  Me.  Russian Tea Room.  Friday night.

               Woman: Oh, just what a girl always wanted!

               Scott Baio: I DON'T THINK I CAN HANDLE FATHERHOOD!

Announcer: ... And now for the exciting conclusion of Amor No Puede Comprar Dinero!

Practically speaking, I would suggest that each partner have his/her own bank account in addition to a joint account.  The joint account could be used for any expense that serves both partners-- rent/mortgage, utilities, food, vacation, childcare expenses, savings (remember that?)-- while a personal account would be used for purely selfish purposes.  For example, I get to choose whether I save this money for a flat screen TV or blow it on an iPod.  And if my wife wants to use her money to buy supplies to make her homemade greeting cards, we don’t need to have a long discussion over her saving a few dollars through the purchase of cheaper glitter pens.  In the end, it’s about having some independence while still reaching a common goal.

As a debt counselor, I see firsthand how quickly the stress of dealing with debt can derail the best laid financial plans.  If you love someone enough to marry them or share a home with them, then consider the fact that it does a couple no good if one partner is drowning while the other is climbing the mountain alone.  I will illustrate my point with two examples. In the first couple, an individual who was soon to be married worked on his budget with me, and we discovered that he needed an extra $500 a month to have a realistic shot at paying down his debts.  Enter his fiancée.  Although he had incurred the debt before they met, we reviewed her budget and determined that she had enough wiggle room to shoulder more of the rent and thus free up the money for him to pay off his debt.  Obviously, this helps him.  But what about her?  She wanted that condo just as much as he did.  Well, by helping him to pay off his debts, they both got closer to their goal of obtaining a mortgage and getting that condo.

The second couple had one person who was drowning in debt, stretching his razor thin budget as much as he could.  His partner was very successful and had money to burn, but still insisted that the household expenses be a 50/50 partnership.  I didn’t agree — when one person is able to pad their 401K while the other is eating PB & J for lunch, what we have is partners in name only.  Splitting expenses evenly is fine if you're starting a new relationship.  But once you get serious, I suggest splitting expenses so that both parties can achieve their financial goals simultaneously.  If it was decided that the person eating PB&J should not pay any part of their mortgage and this meant that his higher income partner could not save for retirement, this would not be healthy either.  In the end, a balance needs to be struck that benefits both parties.

Above all else, have patience with your partner.  Very seldom do people who fall in love get socialized the same way when it comes to their relationship with money.  But if you take the time to understand your partner’s values, talk about shared goals and show a willingness to compromise, perhaps love can buy you money after all.

                                                                   
                                                                  June 2009 Update

As Deb detailed in a blog entry last year, we tied the knot in November 2008. 

As we get the "How has married life changed you?" (which Deb also discusses here), I reflect upon how our relationship with money impacts the answer to this question.  Really, we started talking about money seriously a year and a half into our relationship.  At year two, we opened a joint bank account to manage our rent, utilities and food.  The "merger" was a long process; by the time I got on my knee and proposed to her on the day before my 30th birthday, we had developed a shared vision of our life together, finances included.

Nothing has changed on the outside since we got married. On the inside, the warmth that marriage brings fills my heart. One of the secrets to our success?  No surprises when it comes to money.  Having the first serious conversation about money while you're engaged or after you're married puts a lot of pressure to agree on things or else.  However, talking things over early on allows much room for failure.  

Objectively, our combined income has only kept pace with inflation since we've met.  Yet, I feel wealthier every day and having a partner to share in my vision of the future has everything to do with this.