Welcome back to the loft!

OK, I've been bad in keeping up with my writing but I'm back with one of my favorite topics. The following article, one proposed for publication in the Hoboken Reporter, was originally written in February, 2008 .  I've since added to it some and, with apologies to Scott Baio, I left in all the dated references...

                                       



Everywhere you look, love is in the air.  The popularity of dating sites like Match and JDate seem to grow by the minute.  It’s hard for some to imagine life before speed dating.  The reality show Big Brother (we’re all allowed one guilty pleasure, right?) has thrust couples together in "Til Death Do You Part." Even Chachi (well, Scott Baio) is getting married and having a baby.

But once all the butterflies flutter away and the harsh reality sets in, the challenge of figuring out how to reach financial goals together will eventually smack you in the face harder than the reality that Scott Baio is 46 … and pregnant.

Money and love.  Two things our culture is obsessed with.  But how do we reconcile the two?  Look at the average survey that seeks to find your perfect match and you’ll see a myriad of questions asking for preferences for smoking, religion, politics, family size, etc.  How often do you see questions asking about one’s money values?  Are you a saver or a risk taker?  Do you watch every cent you spend or treat your American Express card as a second job? 

Yet, money is probably the subject most likely to start a fight between an otherwise happy and compatible couple.  As a certified credit counselor, I’ve received training on many financial matters to help the clients I counsel.  Little did I know when I started my career that my job would require just as much Dr. Phil as Suze Orman.  Truth be told, all the training in the world could not have prepared me for this as much as real life experience and the sometimes painful transition of having a meeting of the minds (and hearts and souls) when it comes to money.

Here’s what I learned: First of all, don’t be afraid to ask a potential partner about their money values.  Unless you’re a gold digger, don’t ask what your partner’s annual income is — ask what they do with their money.  Better to know early on.  If you’re having money problems, don’t be afraid to bring them up.  Better to know that your partner is having difficulty than to assume he/she is a cheapskate.  I still remember one of the first clients I counseled and how he hid his debt from his fiancé and how the wedding was off when she found out.  In this case, the fight was not caused by the amount that he owed, but the fact that he had kept his burden from her.  Eventually, they did talk things out and I helped him to manage and eventually pay off his debt.  In fact, the same month he became debt free, he became the happy father of twins!

But what if you're single?  Worse yet-- what if you want to date and try to keep a budget while you pay down credit card debt?  How do you make room for both goals?  I recently helped a client who would only ask someone on a date if it fell after the 15th of the month.  Why?  Well, his budget was very tight and most of his check went to the rent when he was paid on the 1st.  He simply didn't have much money from the 1st to the 15th, so he didn't want to ask someone out and then be thought of as cheap.  I helped him with some budgeting ideas to help free up some money throughout the entire month-- to help motivate him, I mentioned that my first date with Deb was on the 4th of the month so if I was following his current budget, I might have missed the boat.

The other half of his challenge was that he usually spent close to 100 dollars on the first date. I think that's madness. Assuming you barely know someone and the first date is your opportunity to get to know that person, having an expensive dinner on the first date is a recipe for disaster. If you don't click, do you really want to be stuck with the person for 2 + hours? If there is a 2nd date, how do you top it if you barely had the money for the first date?! And if you're not into expensive dinners on a regular basis, you might be attracting someone who is more interested in the free dinner than you.

Personally, on a first date, I preferred something simple like getting coffee.  Yes, it fit nicely within my budget.  But it was also a situation that each person could opt to cut short if a date wasn't working out well.  When it came time to treat, a girl could have sent a signal that she was not interested if she insisted on splitting the bill.  (Not that I would let her, but at least I'd get the hint.)  However, with an expensive dinner, can the person being treated afford to split the bill?  If the first date goes well, there will always be an opportunity to enjoy a nice dinner.  Or at least to try to enjoy a nice dinner.  As for Deb and I, we ended up at an obnoxiously loud place where we could barely hear each other. That place has since closed down. 

MSN recently shared an article about this very topic.  And I couldn't agree more with the author; his philosphy is a great way to weed out who to get serious with.

Let’s fast forward to when the happy couple has finally decided to get married or live together and then has to figure out how (or whether) to merge any of their finances.  When I meet with a person who may have been married for 20 years and yet has a completely separate financial life from their spouse, I’m baffled.  If you cannot reach common ground on financial goals, how can you hope to raise a family, buy a house, etc.? 

In the end, balancing your own financial independence with a shared vision of a life you want to live with your partner is key.  Practically speaking, I would suggest...

                                         
        Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of Chris Dlugozima's Love Can't Buy You Money later this week!